Do not seek any rules or method of worship, say whatever your pained heart chooses. – Rumi

I am no good at not being my real self.

I do not lie. I do not cheat. I do not steal. I am not selfish. I am not mean. This is simply who I am. When I have tried to be something else, like when I told several friends who lived my dorm in college that I knew someone from another chapter of the same sorority they were pledging just so they would be my friend, that worked out in an embarrassing and friend-losing way. Or, when I accidentally walked out of CVS with a hair product that I had picked up while waiting for my prescription to be filled without paying for it. I walked back in to the prescription counter and paid. I still feel they thought I had intended to steal every time I go in there. Or, I have said mean things for the purpose of being funny, or clever, or even vengeful. In each of those cases, I lost a pound of my own flesh regretting my harsh words. (This is particularly true in the cases when I have said mean things, thinking the person was not within earshot and they were.) There are also the skill things – like math, carpentry, pretty much anything athletic, and drawing – that I am no good at, too. Doing those things makes my head spin. When I have to do them, I ask for help.

It takes too much energy.

Not being real takes too much energy. It takes too much energy to keep up with lies. It takes too much energy to act like someone I am not. It takes too much energy to be mean. None of that feels good either. It hurts myself and others. Ultimately, being real is the easy path. When I am real, I don’t make excuses. When I am real, I don’t regret. When I am real, I am surrounded by people who see, know, and love me. When I am real, others can be real with me and I can see, know, and love them. When I am real, I actually enjoy my day-to-day life and be present and shine. When I am real, my heart is not pained.