I don’t know Who – or what – put the question, I don’t know when it was put. I don’t even remember answering. But at some moment I did answer Yes to Someone – or Something – and from that hour I was certain that existence is meaningful and that, therefor, my life, in self-surrender, had a goal.

Dag Hammerskjold, Markings

I heard Anne LaMott speak a few years ago during her book tour for the release of Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope, and Repair. I bought a signed copy of Stitches that night. I have gazed past the book for years on my bookshelf, always having something else to do or read. I turned to it recently in my search for meaning, hope, and repair.

Lamott starts, “Beginnings,” the first chapter of Stitches, with a question. She asks, “Where is meaning in the meteoric passage of time, the speed in which our lives are spent? Where is meaning in the pits? In the suffering? I think these questions are worth asking?” She then discusses finding meaning in specific crises — the list we all carry on our communal heart — and quotes a friend who says he has not yet found meaning. I live in the realm of not yet. I do not yet understand so many things right now. Full stop. I do not yet understand rejection of facts and science. Full stop. I do not yet understand a love of guns. Full stop. I do not yet understand why rich people must be so rich. That stratification of wealth leads to tremendous pain and suffering. Full stop.

Lamott shines a little light on our darkness. “The equation is life, death, resurrection, hope. The hour is real, and so you make casseroles for your neighbor, organize an overseas clothing drive, and do your laundry. You can also offer to do other people’s laundry, if they have had any random babies or surgeries.” It is comforting to me to think of life as this simple equation. Like falling apart and coming together, there is constant movement. Birth. Death. Rebirth. Perpetual spring on a personal scale.

I want to suggest Lamott thinks about the not yet on a personal scale. Within existential philosophy, there is an understanding that we are all not yet. Existentialists claim, “I am not yet.” We are all in the process of doing and becoming. Of blooming and shedding. Of opening and closing. Of starting and stopping, We are all not yet. We do everything we can do to ease suffering amidst it all. Perhaps casseroles and clothing drives are part of living the not yet. Perhaps birthday messages and phone calls are part of living the not yet. Perhaps holding doors for strangers and tipping at restaurants are part of living the not yet. Perhaps paying attention and telling stories are part of living the not yet. Perhaps forgiving and listening are part of living the not yet.