The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine.”

From Indigo Girls, “Closer to Fine“

I say I love the questions, the empty bowl, the falling apart and coming together. I say I embrace real conversation, intimacy not isolation, and “putting in the work”. I say I make my life a prayer. I say I believe in service and gratitude. I say I breathe beginner’s mind and joy.

I say all this at a time when the only definitive I seem to find is that the bad guys are winning, and not paying attention to that means somehow preserving my sanity at the cost of the good and humanity. Patience tells me the arc bends toward justice. Strength tells me cynicism is the easy path. Soul tells me turning turning away is not an option. Wisdom tells me I am not alone. Heart tells me ultimately love wins.

Fine feels like fast forward. I fight against living in fast forward. I know in my bones fine doesn’t truly jive with fast forward. Fast forward is life going through the motions. Fast forward is life separated from others and our stories. Fast forward is anesthesia in a world in pain. Fast forward is the perpetual climb. Fast forward is the external focus of comparison and competition.

As someone who has always loved school, I am a seeker. I am always seeking the source for some definitive. School — writ large and in the language of the body, mind and spirit — has been a safe place to celebrate, explore, question and grow. As a source of understanding and perspective, books have been refuge. Teachers and mentors have modeled the courageous path of knowledge, wisdom, and service. Travel has simply blown my mind.

Seeking my source has exploded to include paying attention and being wide-awake. Rather than looking for a definitive, or an absolute, or an answer, seeking my source looks like stillness and knowing. Stillness, not as paralysis, but stillness as fierce love where action is born of meaning, understanding, and communion. Stillness as fierce hope in the midst of life’s pain, when even the act of hope is radical. Stillness as knowing we are one. All of us. That is what I am learning about being closer to fine.