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Weekly Wide-Awake: To Ladybugs in Winter
“A brood of little ladybugs is wintering with me, one has just wandered across the paper—take it for a good omen!”
Rainer Maria Rilke
I have seen several ladybugs recently. We are in the throes of winter and they don’t usually make themselves known in the cold. As a seeker of miracles, a believer in magic, a reader of fortune cookies, and a maker of vision boards, a ladybug is an invitation to possibility. Let me explain. I have noticed it is often easier to believe in curses, bad luck, and dark clouds and focus on the negative. (This negative mindset also includes gossip, judgment, and comparison.) Maybe negativity is a part of winter. Maybe negativity is less risky — there is less room to fall or fail. Maybe negativity is old habits that are relentless, strong, and powerful. Maybe negativity is unhealed wounds. That is why taking a moment to appreciate the ladybugs who have braved winter is essential. It is important to pay attention. It is important to remain kind, thirsty, and hopeful. Believing in lady bugs and good omens is important.
What I Learned This Week
Tinkering Toward Urgency
I am really good at the motion of action. I set goals, create training plans, identify projects, and hatch ideas. I am all about vision. I could be better about prioritization—taking on only what I can and will accomplish. The problem is, I care about it so much that I would rather binge-watch television and eat. Maybe overwhelmed is the word. Maybe tired is the word. Maybe even anxious or depressed. I have urgent, specific, particular things that I need to address in my life, and I am tinkering. This week, the voice in my head screamed, “Get on with it!” Identify the urgent — from the list of possible things that occupy my time and mind — and take action. Action brings clarity. Maybe it’s about focused, intentional tinkering? Tinkering that looks like consistent and relentless and joyful and beautiful play and fire.
A Math Problem
How do I muster the courage to reach out when I often want to curl up and cry? A successful job search ultimately comes down to a math problem. Let me explain. It’s a numbers thing. (I am writing this about a job search, but I think it is true about building and creating anything.) It is all very personal. Reaching out only five times provides only five opportunities to be successful. Reaching out 100 times provides 100 opportunities to be successful. With practice, the muscles that allow me to create the what, where, and with whom of my future work strengthen. After a while, reaching out starts to feel powerful. I am not there yet. I get mired in fear, shame, and doubt. But I am on my way to figuring it out.
In Search of Generosity
Selfishness triggers me. Selfish people hurt my feelings deeply. I am generous and recently experienced a profound act of selfishness. I am writing about it because it brought up a few questions. Am I the kind of person who gives with an expectation of thanks? Does that take away from the act of giving? Am I generous enough, in general? Would others describe me as generous? How do I navigate the terrain of generosity, grace, expectation, and resentment? What is the relationship between generosity and gratitude? I was surprised at how angry I got. I was furious and tied in knots for days. (I guess I still am.) As someone who thinks a lot about gratitude, my first response is to double down on my gratitude practice and seek answers there.
Paying Attention
- Small Miracles
- On My Way to 800 Tries
- Weekly Wide-Awake: Miracles Surround Us
- Present to Life, Jon Kabat-Zinn on On Being
- It’s A Miracle, Culture Club
Weekly Wide-Awake: To Ladybugs in Winter
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About Katie
Born in Louisville. Live in Atlanta. Curious by nature. Researcher by education. Writer by practice. Grateful heart by desire.
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The Stage Is On Fire, a memoir about hope and change, reasons for voyaging, and dreams burning down can be purchased on Amazon.