The whole world could praise Sung Jung-Tzu and it wouldn’t make him exert himself. The whole world could condemn him and it wouldn’t make him mope. He drew a clear line between the internal and external. – Chuang Tzu

I have started doing a few things recently, mostly in response to recent communication failures. I have tried to draw a clear line between the internal and the external, the noise of the world and the peace I want to know, my critical voice that rips things to shreds and my positive voice that builds things up as I consciously think through my relationships with others.

Harsh words are better left unsaid if they are not thoughtfully and carefully shared.

A few weeks ago, I thought I was sending a text to my husband criticizing a person I had met in a business meeting. But I actually sent it to the person who had arranged the meeting and works closely with the person who I was criticizing. Needless to say, she did not appreciate the comment and we decided not to work together on the project. My takeaway from that experience is threefold:  Check who you are sending your texts to before you send it. There are far better ways to navigate negative feelings about an interaction than sending a snarky text. My truth found a way out. It is always better to take time, acknowledge my internal reaction, process, and move forward honestly and constructively.

What is mine to learn?

Frustration and disappoint and even anger can keep me focused externally, on things that others think and feel rather than my own thoughts and feelings. A few years ago I was given some advice. When facing a potentially negative person or situation, ask yourself, “What is mine to learn?” This question immediately shifts my perspective from negative to positive, demands that I take a second and think (which I am often not the best at doing), and turns my reaction (which almost immediately is always closed and fixed and mired in my need to be right) into something flexible and open to increased understanding.

Going in to “site seeing mode.”

We had visitors last week. It was wonderful to show friends around Miami. While running around, our conversation would sometimes drift to politics. Tempers would flare. Fun would shift to something else. So, we would decide to go into “site seeing mode” (like airplane mode on a phone) after a few minutes of political discussion. This happened multiple times. This was helpful for several reasons: “Site seeing mode” allowed our conversation to shift, as gently possible, away from deep conflict without anyone having to sacrifice their beliefs. Reaching agreement was not the point. Our respective centers held. We learned. We moved on. Staying open to what others feel while also remaining real is always tough, but especially tough right now. This felt like a first step toward understanding at this time when finding words can be really painful.