Oracular and   
Eternal was what we’d 
thought she was. In possession  
of the answer. Instead, 
her image and her words—  
It will bring you to your knees 
turned us back into ourselves. 
where the suffering was, 
and the mystery, and offered  
no answer but the hard shock  
of our knees knocking against  
the earth, and the prickling burn  
of blood breaking its barrier of skin
and starting to flow.

From Kate Daniels, “Gertrude: In the Rooms“

I have been thinking about being brought to my knees. When I am crying on the bathroom floor. When I am curled up in a fetal position on the coach unable to move. When I am staring at the ceiling at 3:00 in the morning unable to breathe. When my skin is broken and blood starts to flow.

I am old enough now to know I am not alone in being brought to my knees. In the poem, when Gertrude says, “It will bring you to your knees,” she understands we all have an it. Having read Daniels’ interpretation of her poem, Gertrude is speaking of the it of addiction. I would offer there are many its in our lives, and addiction may be one.

What does “victory” over it mean? “Victory” might be mindfully managing whatever demon persists. “Victory” might be peace and freedom. “Victory” might be faith and hope. “Victory” might simply be survival. Whatever “victory” is, it seems to me it follows along a path of impermanence, evolution, and imperfection. The answer being there is no answer.

I don’t believe that what does not kill us makes us stronger. That idea feels hard and cruel, and the world is too hard and cruel already. That idea valorizes pain, and pain is already too powerful. That idea defines strength in rigid and limiting terms, and strength must include things like truth, humility, and vulnerability. Simply understood, that idea leaves no real room for grace and loving kindness.

What happens before, during, and after it is important. I am learning that it is part of the falling apart and coming together of life. It does not have to consume. It does not have to define. It does not have to control. When I think of it like that, it feels less heavy. Almost easier to carry and set free.