If you want to be truly understood, you need to say everything three times, in three different ways. Once for each ear . . . and once for the heart.

– Paula Underwood Spencer

Do I want to be understood, or sometimes do I just want to be right? Do I want to be understood, or sometimes do I just to force my opinion? Do I want to be understood, or sometimes do I simply not care what the other person thinks or says?  Listening versus talking. Seeking to understand versus seeking to be understood. Speaking from my heart versus speaking from my head.

I immediately think about talking through tough things with people I love.  Thinking back over successful communication during complicated times, I know a few things matter.

Timing

When we say something can be as important as what we say. I sometimes enter deep conversations when there isn’t proper time to find understanding (which reminds me of Underwood Spencer’s reminder to say everything three times). Understanding takes time. I sometimes enter deep conversations when I am too angry to listen to what is being said. Often, escalation and storms of hurt feelings and pain result. I sometimes enter deep conversations before I have thought through how I really feel about what is being discussed. That leads to a meandering conversational road to nowhere. I sometimes take a bull in a china shop approach to a deep conversation where I am absolutely right from the very beginning. That definitely never turns out well, either.

Tenacity

Tenacity directly relates to being willing and able to seek understanding. We can not give up our search for understanding just because we are too tired to engage. We can’t give up our search for understanding because we are to wedded to our position to see a different side. We can’t give up our search for understanding simply because we might piss someone off.  Alcohol has no room in tenacity. Tenacity should not be confused with beating a dead horse. Tenacity should not be about using words to beat someone into submission. Tenacity is simply about caring enough to deeply engage.

Tone

The way we say something makes a huge difference. Think about it. When we have a chip on our shoulder no one listens. When we talk so fast even we don’t understand our words no one listens. When we slice into a conversation with our words over someone else’s words no one listens.  When negative, cynical, defeatist, and/or hurtful words stream from our lips no one listens (or if they do, they are the worse for it and it leads to a downward spiral of thoughts and emotions). This is why Underwood Spencer suggests we say things three times in three different ways.

Truth

Perhaps the most important part of seeking understanding is telling the truth. Telling the truth to ourselves and others. This is hard work. It requires vulnerability and bravery and huge amounts of compassion. It requires knowing our truth (which can be mired in the depths of our personal history). It requires trusting the person with whom you are talking with the safe space of your heart that wants love. Truth lives in our hearts. It lives in our gut. It lives in basic kindness.

https://kitt.global/january-23-getting-at-what-matters/